How to Talk to Your Athlete About Playing Time Without Making It Worse

In your eyes, your child is the most amazing person who fills your whole heart with just one hug. Your child works hard, they have a great attitude and never complains when the coach asks them to do more. Their attitude is what coaches dream of when they train athletes and your child brings that positivity to every practice and game- so why is he or she not getting more playing time? Their teammate may pout, complain and in your opinion is not as skilled as your athlete so why the injustice? 

My goal is to explain this from a neutral position since I am both a coach for the past 20+ years and a parent of athletes. 

Parent’s perspective: my child Gina does everything that the coach asked them to do in order to earn playing time so why aren’t they playing more?

Coach’s perspective: Gina practices well, has a great attitude and consistently shows up ready to work. Our opponents require someone who is a bit more aggressive on defense and Ashley provides the spark that we need. While Gina works hard, the skillset requires someone like Ashley.

One of the most common reasons why there is a breakdown of understanding is because of communication. Gina has taken the coach’s input and put it into action so the expected outcome is more playing time. The coach provides input to improve but may not have shared that Ashley has stepped up as well and is what the team needs to secure wins. When that breakdown in communication happens, it allows everyone involved to create stories in their heads that may or may not be true but who is confirming? No one…

Of course, there are other scenarios that parents face as to why their child isn’t getting more playing time- politics, dishonest coaches, parents that don’t recognize how their athlete’s ability compares to their peers. The ONE thing that helps solve this issue and helps level set expectations for everyone- it is COMMUNICATION. How does that look?

• Parents: When you first join a team, understand coach’s expectations around playing time

  • Preferably before the season starts, encourage your athlete to speak with the coach to ask what do they need to do to get playing time

• Coaches: Say what you mean and mean what you say. If the competition is high on the team, then be honest with the athlete about what’s in front of more playing time. This sets the tone early so that you don’t have to deal with a disgruntled parent and player later.

Here is one thing that neither side will like to hear- Parents, just because your athlete is great to you does not mean that they are the best player for the position. We all struggle with separating perception from reality but for the sake of your athlete, it is important to assess as objectively as possible. When you set your biased expectations on top of reality, it sets unrealistic expectations for your athlete and when your athlete doesn’t meet those expectations, it tanks their confidence.

Coaches- I get that having as many options as possible in every position makes your job easier, but it also can be at the expense of an athlete walking away from a sport because of misaligned expectations. The athlete that doesn’t get playing time internalizes that rejection when in reality the rejection is not personal, it is a business decision. 

Open honest communication even when it isn’t what someone wants to hear builds credibility and lasting relationships. Playing time isn’t always a personal attack on your kid, it could be a business decision so you must separate the two. For more tips, let’s connect on mental performance- book right here on our website. 

Lorraine Eloms | Top Speed Athletics & Mental Performance and Life Coaching, helping young athletes develop the mental and emotional tools to compete and thrive.