Perfectionism in Young Athletes: Where It Comes From and How to Break It
Every one of us seeks approval. As we grow up, we learn we don't need approval from everyone — but there's almost always one person whose approval we chase hardest: our parents.
I trained an athlete once who looked to her father after every single rep. If a rep didn't go perfectly, her first instinct was to quit and start over. It didn't take long to see the pattern: her sense of whether she'd done well wasn't coming from inside her. It was coming from her dad's face.
That's where perfectionism is born — in the gap between "Did I do well?" and "Did I earn their approval?"
We hear the word perfectionism thrown around a lot in youth sports. But there are two very different kinds:
Adaptive (healthy) perfectionism: The athlete is driven by growth, excellence, and achievement. They set high goals, but they enjoy the process and can handle a challenge.
Maladaptive (unhealthy) perfectionism: The athlete is driven by a deep fear of failure and harsh self-judgment. They play tight and tense, they're highly self-critical, and they often spiral into procrastination, anxiety, or even depression when their impossible standards aren't met.
Ever watched an athlete freeze up, avoid taking a risk, or seem to stay hurt longer than they should? A lot of the time it comes down to this: "If it can't be perfect, I won't do it."
That belief is paralyzing. And it quietly sucks all the joy out of the sport they used to love.
If you're seeing these signs, here's how to help your athlete get free — so they can finally do what they've trained to do and play freely.
1. Coach the mistake, don't scrutinize it. When your athlete messes up, resist the urge to critique first. Ask instead:
"What would you do differently next time?"
"What did you learn from that?"
Anything they learned is worth celebrating. That keeps the focus on growth instead of failure.
2. Turn a repeated mistake into a confidence builder. If they keep making the same error, ask whether they actually know how to fix it. If they don't, that's not a character flaw — it's a gap you get to close together. Learning the fix is how confidence gets built.
3. Watch your own reaction. Here's the hard one. Remember the girl who looked to her dad after every rep? Your athlete is reading you, too. Every time you react to their performance, you're teaching them what to value — the result, or the effort. They will chase whatever they see you reward.
Ultimately, we want our athletes to reframe mistakes for what they really are: not a verdict on who they are, but the exact thing that makes them better.
If you would like more tips, book your mental performance session right here on our website.
Lorraine Eloms | Top Speed Athletics & Mental Performance and Life Coaching, helping young athletes develop the mental and emotional tools to compete, grow, and thrive.
